@WilliamAder

It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.

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@my_minivan_life

Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.

@thedad

[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows

@Be___Dope

Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.

Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?

Me: * climbs tree

@perrypotters

Things I know I cannot do but still try to:

1. Cartwheel
2. Hit the high note
3. Move things with my mind
4. Eat ‘just one’
5. Be Cool

@dog_feelings

my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.

@philmann

Crabs can’t eat hotdogs because they just keep cutting them into tinier and tinier hotdogs.

@seamusmckracken

I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.

@Sickayduh

“Well, congrats. You’re a homeowner now. Any questions?”

“Yeah. Sam put those glasses on eBay, why didn’t the Decepticons just bid on em?”

@humorandanimals

when he dropped the ball it was like “this is getting good”
(shadowtheaussie IG)

@TheSnideOne

Always look for the girl with the ponytail holder on her wrist.