pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
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[my first day working on The Avengers set]
*leans over to Joss Whedon*
I hear this Josh Sweden guy is a real dork
Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!
-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
Alien: This is candy corn?
A: But it doesn’t look like-
Me: I know
A: And it tastes like-
Me: I know
A: So this is kinda like grape soda
Me: There ya go
“Oh, don’t use that picture of me, honey. Please, I look so old in that one. You must have a better picture.” -Whistler’s Mother