It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
You Might Also Like
To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
Covid like
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.