It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.

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Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.


[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows


Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.

Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?

Me: * climbs tree


Things I know I cannot do but still try to:

1. Cartwheel
2. Hit the high note
3. Move things with my mind
4. Eat ‘just one’
5. Be Cool


my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.


Crabs can’t eat hotdogs because they just keep cutting them into tinier and tinier hotdogs.


I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.


“Well, congrats. You’re a homeowner now. Any questions?”

“Yeah. Sam put those glasses on eBay, why didn’t the Decepticons just bid on em?”


when he dropped the ball it was like “this is getting good”
(shadowtheaussie IG)


Always look for the girl with the ponytail holder on her wrist.