Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”

I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”

The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you

This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.

liiiiiiiiike

[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]

Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.

CEO: How can we supply that many?

Jesus: *winks at camera*

Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.

Velcrow

Mission control: what’s happening up there??

Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem

I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.

6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈

Me – Why?

6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂

Me – 😢

https://video.twimg.com/tweet_video/FJ4AblvVQAAL25j.mp4

you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity

Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.

– me receiving an invitation of any kind

I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.

😂🖐️

My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.

Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him

if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water

Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.

it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due

If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk

Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger

8: YOU stop growing bigger

And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined

Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.

Peter: *harpoons a guy*

Jesus: Too literal, bro.

For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you

if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business

Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium

Me: 0mg

Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.

Drunk Draft Folder Contents:

“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”

Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes

Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”

I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.

Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave