Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.

Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:

“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”

It’s been six months since my last haircut. It might be time to close my barbershop.

My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:

I’m like American Cheese.

Krafty and oh so single.

Also terrible for you.

Dentist: “That’s the biggest cavity I’ve ever seen. That’s the biggest cavity I’ve ever seen.”

Patient: “I heard you the first time. You didn’t have to say it twice.”

Dentist: “I didn’t. That was my echo.”

Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship

skydiving instructor: is this your first time?

me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask

why he move like a hotel transylvania character

Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?

Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.

“Emergency Defibrillator”

As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?

In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.

I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.

The vampire myth probably started with a really bad hickey

r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice

Snapes on a plane.

My sons having a few friends stay over tonight

Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *check

Hopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while

Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.

I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet

If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.

Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.

Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?

I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n

girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid

wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at

Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”

Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.

Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.

I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.