It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
You Might Also Like
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.