It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
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Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
Overheard one half of conversation:
-I should get this Chinese tattoo removed, it’s my ex wife’s name
-Yes, she was Chinese
-No she still is Chinese she’s just not my wife any more
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
a pod of orcas just destroyed my skateboard
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses