Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.

I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday

KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?

ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.

I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.

I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.

Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.

His new catchphrase?

“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”

I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.

Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day

People at Costco really need to be less sensitive

Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news

Leonardo: what’s the good news

Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers

Raphael: what’s the bad news

Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole

Dentist: ok open up

“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”

Dentist: no I mean-

Assistant: wait bill…let him finish

Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.

Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!

Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.

Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.

Her: You should feel right at home then.

Me: 😐

[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*

Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-

Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*

Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.

sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista

Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.

When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.

I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.

When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”

I thrive in a waiting room. u need me to sit in a chair and look at my phone? No worries love i do this at home

So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..

Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.

My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it

– me flirting

Banderslack Clamberdorch

I could not be more annoyed

*checks Twitter*

Ok, I’m more annoyed

Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all

Job interview

HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?