It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
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Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
[invention of baseball]
Guy: I’ll throw the ball
Me: and I catch it
Guy: no hit it with a stick
Me: then what?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: what if I miss?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!