@revenge_tanukis

It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.

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@bornmiserable

MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?

@Purple_whipped

Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.

@qikipedia

In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.

@brookeoslin

I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions

@Browtweaten

*Show and tell day*

Me: You know what to do?

Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”

Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl

@lukeoneil47

When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…

[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,

@AtticusFinch79

DOCTOR: wut brings you in today

ME: im feeling funny

*an hour later*

DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t

@offbeatoliv

everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg

@AndrewChamings

sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks

@namelesstv

Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.