@revenge_tanukis

It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.

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@donttouchjames

when i was a child i had a huge crush on a girl for like 2 years and one day she told me she liked me and i panicked and replied “i don’t care” and walked away

@TinyNietzsche

Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”

@ThugRaccoons

Her: I’m an only child

Me: There are literally billions of children

@MommaUnfiltered

11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…

but thinks the market for teeth is.

@ShrinkMedia

My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.

@CyrusMMcQueen

Now I see why they call it your better half… My wife just stopped me from microwaving a plastic container… did not know you were not supposed to do that… And apparently you shouldn’t use hot water to fill up the ice tray either… Been a LOTTA lectures in my kitchen tonight

@Ideal_Victoria

*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving

@HenpeckedHal

Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.

@Reverend_Scott

[first date]
“So, I heard you work at the circus.”

[shallows bread stick whole] Nope.

“You sure about that?”

[chewing on glass] Yup