when i was a child i had a huge crush on a girl for like 2 years and one day she told me she liked me and i panicked and replied “i don’t care” and walked away
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
You Might Also Like
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
Now I see why they call it your better half… My wife just stopped me from microwaving a plastic container… did not know you were not supposed to do that… And apparently you shouldn’t use hot water to fill up the ice tray either… Been a LOTTA lectures in my kitchen tonight
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
“So, I heard you work at the circus.”
[shallows bread stick whole] Nope.
“You sure about that?”
[chewing on glass] Yup