It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
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Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
there was a fight tonight in ~hot sculpted yoga tonight bc one girl took another girl’s mat and it ended w the first girl *flicking the other girl’s forehead* after the teacher saying “don’t do it..don’t do it…DON’T DO IT’ and when she did it the whole class collectively gasped
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
Taking my car to the shop see you in $2000
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
My mum just messaged to say that yesterday she turned off her 20 year old PC, ‘at the wall’, without shutting it down properly. ‘That couldn’t have caused anything, could it?’ 😂
‘Probably’.
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
it’s been 10 years since the rumour came out…
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.