It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
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triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane
“get a life”? have you seen some of the lives out there?
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:
1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵