It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
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Me: What’s your name please?
Customer: Hal
Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?
Customer: Harold
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah
Boss: Could you ever just don’t?
[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
I make up cringe corporate sayings in Teams meetings to see if they catch on. I felt a great sense of achievement when my boss remarked about a client wanting a sub-standard product “if the ducks want bread, give them bread”. I had forgotten about that one.
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
I don’t believe him.
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
interviewer: why are there so many huge gaps on your resume
me: honestly i’m still sorta figuring out microsoft word
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.