It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
You Might Also Like
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
( •_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Just take a day off
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
*at 5’s “restaurant”*
5: What can I get for you?
Me: Tacos.
5: We’re not Italian.
Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.
5: We’re Mexican.
Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?
5: We don’t have tacos.
I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”