It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
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[at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes
BOSS: what should we call it
GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.
Canadians are nice because they’re close to Santa
What’s dopamine is dopayours.
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*