It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
You Might Also Like
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
“what that mouth do?” complain
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
😩😩😩
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
Dammit Chief not again
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When it becomes apparent.