Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Murder mystery dinner]

ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.

ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?

Two-word love stories:

Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea

I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.

everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes

my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise

A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.

North and South

[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?

Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no

Dear All,

During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.

Yours truly,
Psychiatrist

Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.

i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.

I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.

-me watching hockey

homeless guy: change?

me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….

What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.

7: Golf is not fun to watch

ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context

7: What are nuances and context

Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make

7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not

Me:

7: Usually not

Me:

7: They aren’t even good at it.

Her: I read on Facebook…

Me: I’m going to stop you there.

I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star

My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.

He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.

But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.

Me: *wakes up screaming*

Wife: What’s wrong?

Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again

Wife: Need some help?

Me: AHHH

imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you

My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]

Me: wtf how did you wrap this

I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.

I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.

I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.

Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.

Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.

He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him

I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.

This Halloween take a moment to remember the time Scott Kelly smuggled a gorilla suit to the ISS to scare the shit out of his fellow astronauts.

I was raised by my father.

He was a competitive poker player.