It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
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Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
You piss on someone’s couch one time, and they never let you forget
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
Me: How dilated is she?
Nurse: 4 centimeters.
Me: This is America.
Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.
I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
The game has officially changed 😎
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
Seeing a lot of posts about “rawdogging a flight” but can we discuss those absolute weirdos who rawdog the movie theater?
No popcorn, no drink, just watching a movie for two hours. At least smuggle in some Twinkies under your jacket.
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
Ancient wolves be like:
Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…