It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
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I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
Just my luck I get a hypnotist with pink eye.
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks