It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
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I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
What does a Thesaurus eat for breakfast?
A synonym roll.
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
“What’s wrong with you?”
Me: the same things that are always wrong with me…were you expecting something new?
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
Jesus: No one pours old wine into new wineskins…
Home DIY YouTuber: SURE YA CAN, HERE’S HOW TO DO IT RIGHT AT HOME IN FIVE EASY STEPS! ALSO, DON’T FORGET TO SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON AND BE SURE TO SUBSCR
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
Plumber: I think I found the problem
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio