Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?

In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.

Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.

When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.

You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.

IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCK

PLS TELL EVERYONE

i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.

2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.

[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”

Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.

likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.

Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first

Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?

Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others

I: and your greatest strength?

Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority

Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.

TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS

*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick

Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?

I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible

You had me at “define legal”.

Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.

*Uses public restroom

**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel

FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.

Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.

My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.

… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.

The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.

The child psychologist at my kids school doesn’t even have a degree…though I guess I shouldn’t expect a child to…

Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩

Jokes on them. I took 10.

Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.

Oops, I ate my feelings again.

~ a memoir

Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.

Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?

GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.