It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
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When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
Wedding planning is organized crime.
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?
Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe