It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
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Hobbies Include:
Washing and drying clothes with tissues in the pockets.
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
Sorry about the semi trailer out front. Croutons were on sale at Costco
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
What’s the difference between bird flu and swine flu? Bird flu requires tweetment; swine flu requires oinkment.
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
might quit my job to focus on actually putting away my laundry