It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
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person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
apart from It’s ok
what other death threats
do women use?
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
At the urinal in an I-95 rest stop bathroom:
Siri’s voice (from my back pocket): Turn left.
Man to the left of me: Please don’t.
Attending multiple open houses today… I’m going to walk into every empty room and ask “now does this come with the place?”
A Dutch way of saying “we’re on it” or “we’ll take care of that for you” is we zullen dat varkentje wel even wassen. It means “we will certainly get that piglet washed”
* read on for more porcine phrases from around the world (a big pig thread)…
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things