Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dr: do you know why you gained weight?

*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*

Me: no, better run some tests

Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.

Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?

Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.

Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”

DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.

[At my seance]

Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely him

Friend 2: How can you tell?

F1: He spelled “your” wrong.

I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.

Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”

People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.

If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.

*When you can teleport through your phone*

Hello! Can you here me?

A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.

Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?

A taxi.

#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches

The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!

The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.

Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said

I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.

They’re stuck in your pants?

If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.

WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause

WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet

[Creation]

God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”

*cell divides*

God:”What the-”

*cells divide again*

God:”Oh shi-“

Who called them cat allergies and not meowlergies

“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”

Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.

If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.

Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.

men are simple creatures

I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?

Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!

Penny: Please put me down

I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”