It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
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[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
Me: When a door closes a window opens.
All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
So glad we cleared that up
My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS
Put my back out twerking in the library again
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?