It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
You Might Also Like
You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noisesYou look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH
Explaining to my wife that she should induce labor now so our son will be the first kid named Cybertruck.
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
genie: you can’t wish for more wishes
me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world
genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan
me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes
alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
Ovenable?
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
9yo: Who took my hair tie?
Me: I didn’t.
9yo: I did not ask who didn’t.