It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
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Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
The moon is waxing but my interest is waning because I like a moon with full bush ok
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
I’m ready to try another planet.
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…
A bad parent with an ice cold beer.
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.
“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?