It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
You Might Also Like
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
Apologies for the delays. The suitcase smashing machine has broken down, so we’re having to smash suitcases by hand.
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*
so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.