it takes so much energy
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There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
ios update: we’ve changed the keyboard size just slightly again. good luck!
me: god danb ut
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips
A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
[Rome]
CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
The guy at the Christmas tree place was pretty aggressively trying to upsell me so I said ‘calm down Spruce Lee’ and oooh boy could that kid roundhouse kick
Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.