it takes so much energy
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I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
Breadcrumbs on mac and cheese be like here let’s sprinkle some carbs on top of these carbs
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
“when we kissed, I saw fireworks” you mean the kiss was super boring despite also being incredibly loud and scaring the shit out of my dog?
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
Astrologer: do you know what we say about November birthdays?
Me: that the Valentines lingerie worked?
Astrologer: no
Skills