Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dog politely drops hints that he’s interested in walking..🐕🐾😅

Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.

Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!

Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.

Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.

My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.

[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin

A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.

Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.

Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime

Netflix: we added a show you might like

Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like

Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer

Me: go on

Netflix: who fall in love

Me: that sounds ok

Netflix: starring Paul Rudd

Me: *calls in sick*

Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.

He cooked 2 sausages.

Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.

[god inventing humans]

angel: what does it do

god: creates, loves, invents…

angel: awesome

god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character

angel: wtf

god: it also makes quiche

Me: I’m Absolutely broke

State of the art tech advertisers who know every single detail of my life: She needs the nicest most expensive bag ever! Oh and Taylor Swift tickets, at 3 times the original price!

#wtfuture

Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace

Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.

Me: can I buy you a drink?

Girl: no

Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right

Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?

4: oh, it’s probably mine.

Me: probably?

Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.

Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.

the duality of man

We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.

[divorce court]

her: he was unfaithful

him: thats a lie!

judge: do you have proof?

her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me

him: judge, thats not being unfa-

judge: shut your cheating mouth!

You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together

this interaction always makes me laugh, no hard feelings 🙂

Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.

I’m Local Man.

Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral

I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.

You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.

I can’t be the only person who thinks the presidential debate should be performed as a rap battle.

I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.

[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]

*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!