Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.

infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-

me: no

infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]

me: ok listen here

The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨

If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?

Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.

maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there

If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going

Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.

Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.

[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.

My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs

My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana

Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other

These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before

this independent good boy don’t need no human

A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.

They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-

My 13yo’s school supply list had “Trapper Keeper” on it. I thought I was going to have to time travel back to the 80s to grab one until I saw Target had already done that for me and had a few on their shelf.

The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.

[text]

Me: Where are you?

Boy: home

Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.

2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.

Me: Don’t lick the dog.

2: He licked me first.

Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath

me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*

It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.

“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me

Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”

10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.

12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.

2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.

4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.

6am: If I FML

Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.

I’m willing to pay more for a powerful banh mi.

me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign

booming voice from above: LOG OFF

me: that could’ve been anyone