It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
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What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
H: I’m going to the store.
M: Why don’t you take my truck?
[3 hrs later]
H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.
M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv