It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
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I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”
are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.
“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off
Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!
Torturer: I’ll burn your skin
Me: Never talking!
Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school
Me: It’s 2547
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
A tanning bed that turns you over like a rotisserie chicken.
Where are you going, sharks? I’m not done.
The fastest mammal on earth is me when I’m retweeting your typo tweet.
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
Qualifications for local sewer clown are pretty simple: dress the part, fit in a storm drain and be willing to work for screams.
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.