It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
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“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
The massive row between me and my wife at her cousin’s wedding was actually staged because I needed to leave early for a work thing, and she wanted to get back at her cousin for getting engaged at our wedding.
Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
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The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
My birthstone is kidney
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?
Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs