It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
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sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
I’m going to tell you a story. It’s a story…
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume
ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.