It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
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Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
Next time a man invites me to his house without getting to know me, I’m going to go but I’m going to steal his microwave plate. Like straight up take that shit.
Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
I saw this ending much differently.
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
*puts cutlery down*
Are the people in charge of naming the Valspar paints ok?
