Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?

Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!

front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree

*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*

My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:

“So do we have super glue?”

[Shopping for Deodorant]

I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.

Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.

Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband

the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus

Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels

me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business

You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.

Here I am, block me like a hurricane.

For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”

People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.

Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.

everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful

The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven

What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?

I’m that

So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?

Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?

TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks

Why?

TRUMP: To make America grate again

I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.

The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.

A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.

In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.

My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.

If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.

kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card

*takes card*

kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?

no

is this your card ?

no

*27 cards later* is this your card ?

no…

After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.