it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
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I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
it’s either covid or clever vampires
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
Airbnb host reported me for having my friend over so I reported her for having an undisclosed ring camera … we’re having a report
Who called them bad decisions and not instinks?
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.
Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.
Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee is just floating.
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
“Don’t you people have jobs?” — Me yelling at everyone for driving around on a Tuesday afternoon while I’m driving around on a Tuesday afternoon.
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:
– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me