Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.

me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt

bf: ur what

me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok

bf: the what

me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—

bf: wh—

me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy

If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you

My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back

I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.

Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up

I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.

Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.

Friend: Good for you for working out.

Me: I said I done squat today.

Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.

ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!

ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm

Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.

I want you to meet my friend “Ami”

*pops kid’s balloon*

*kid cries and runs away*

*picks up kid’s cake*

Husband: wtf is wrong with you?

Me: his piece was bigger!!

My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”

my name if I was in the mob

hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts

(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for

“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*

Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!

My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’

“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”

I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.

Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free

I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.

your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE

My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.

A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.

For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”

I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”

We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.

Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.

my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s