Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No one told me that by encouraging my kid to play soccer I’d also be encouraging him to kick everything and anything he can possibly get his foot on regardless of time, space, location and roundness.

Not today. 😅

wife: I want you-

me: [takes off clothes]

wife: -to do the laundry

me: [puts them in washer]

DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does

Continental cheese: We used a process unchanged for 600 years and aged it in a cave for two years

British cheese: We briefly scared a cow

American cheese: We fed some descriptions of cheese into an AI engine

Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.

My dog:

Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?

Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.

– whenever we have company and are never remodeling

My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.

[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”

I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?

I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.

I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in

I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed

I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..

Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”

Pretty disgusting that Air Bud can dominate any human sport, but I join one greyhound race and get put down

Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me

“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”

What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?

One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.

[first day as a spelling bee judge]

Me: your word is Sarcasm

Him: can you use it in a sentence please?

Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence

Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?

Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list

Agency:

Me: Children are the future

Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.

The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.

My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed

I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.

All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?

Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.

Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude

When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.

My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?

Nope.

Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.