Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.

I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.

As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.

Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from

😂😂

I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.

My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.

Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.

The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way

*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*

You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do

When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies

You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.

I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.

What the hell happened in there??

#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices

My real name is maybe one of the top 5 whitest names ever invented and I just picked up my online order at a KFC that is deep in the hood where I’m maybe the only white guy within a mile and as soon as I went in they said “Here he is. Thats (my name)” and I lol’d.

[Grandma’s funeral]

(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin

Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets

[aliens arrive]

people: *screaming crying hiding*

me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*

Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times

Schrödinger: Nice, nice

😅🤣😂

*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?

I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare

You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.

My husband accepted an invite to a bbq for us and said we would bring a salad, like “we” has anything to do with it.

Why can’t opportunity just leave itself on my doorstep and send me a photo

My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.

Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup