Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”

Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza

KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks

ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog

It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…

(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein

*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”

Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous

Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.

Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…

My wife left me for a fisherman.

Poor guy’s still reeling.

I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.

I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.

*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*

My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same

I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.

I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”

[at a job fair]

Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?

Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.

Nothing says I’m drunk like:

“I’m drunj.”

Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!

asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life

Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.

I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me

If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.

And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories

Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No

If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.

I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.

Ok I just started watching House M.D.:

1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?

Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.

– Skywalker family reunion