It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
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Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
Hey man, just wanted to reach out and say I loved how much you drank at my wedding last night
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
[Listening to a song from the 70s]
Singer: I love you, girl
Me: He means girl like a woman
Singer: Yes I love you, little girl
Me: I guess he means like late teens
Singer: You’re just a child, so young, little girl
Me: Oh no
[gets on Facebook]
[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]
[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.