It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
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I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…[Later]
Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
i- i did not expect this
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
Stop blaming everyone for all of your problems. Pick the one person you really hate and blame them for everything