It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
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My boss told me to do something for myself today so I went home and installed a bidet.
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?
me: i’ll give it a go
scientist: but you were just here yesterday
me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
My neighbors started fighting and I can hear everything, so yes my life has a meaning again
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
I had the head of the Civil Aviation Authority in my office earlier. I guess that’s what happens if you forget to duck when getting out a helicopter.
i tried to clean up my chrome tabs but it turns out all 200 of them contain information that is vital for my survival
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
Friend, at my first Pride: are you disappointed?
Me, dressed as a lion: no it’s fine
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
76% of pardoned turkeys end up back in the system
Save money by sending the same unopened applesauce cup in your kid’s lunch all week, follow me for more financial tips
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and