Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.

Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway

My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.

Darth: You should not have come back, old man.

Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.

*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*

Go little guy, you’re free now.

As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.

In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.

Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.

Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.

[suit shopping]

Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?

We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.

Me: *trying to sleep*

Gf: Babe?

Me: Hmm?

Her: Why will she be riding six white horses when she comes?

[hours after first date]

HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.

*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*

“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.

The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle

even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey

Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.

Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…

little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths

My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.

me: I’m looking for my wife

cop: can you describe her

me: she’s strong, independent..

cop: but what does she look like?

me: that’s not important

cop: it kinda is

Talk to me, like lovers do
Judge: You wanted to approach the bench to say that?

[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]

[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”

VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”

Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.

P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty

I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.

Coworker: How did your review go?

Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…

Coworker:

Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.

“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.

Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.

WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF

Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.

And sorry about your neck hole.

meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door

At what point should you worry about your drinking?

I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.