Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Choose password”
> 123bob

“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones

“OK”

why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god

it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..

me: u ok babe?

babe: oink

In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”

ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit

At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.

My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?

I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents

This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.

Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!

wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa

FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime

ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-

THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out

Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp

Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES

Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.

Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.

Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?

*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*

H- Are you waving at the ground?

Me-Yes to both

Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?

Me: It’s the symbol for love

Swallow: What about mine?

Me: Umm, true love.

My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.

Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”

7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”

To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.

Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?

Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault

Amal and Juan are identical twins.
Their mom only carries one baby
photo in her wallet.

Because if you’ve seen Juan you’ve
seen Amal.

Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.

Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.

Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?

Me: Not to you

waiter: need help with the menu?

me: yes, what’s this word here

waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir

me: and how is that prepared

Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.

My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.