It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
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Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
As a tree surgeon, the hardest part of my job is explaining to a patient they’ll never walk again.
*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*
🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.
Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
My son asked if there’s such a thing as fire tornados and I said I don’t know, and he looked wistfully out the window and said “I sure hope so” yeah man fingers crossed
When I was 11 I went to the mall and got a mullet. The MALL! A MULLET!
Then the next day I went again & had the back of it permed. PERMED!
Oh and also I got grounded, and my mom cried, and I may have ruined the Christmas card.
But I looked rad AF.
My boss just texted me and said,“Send me one of your funny jokes please.”
I replied “ I’m working hard at the moment,I will send you one later.”He replied, “That was fantastic,send me another one.”
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
Grocery stores don’t change layouts to piss off the customers, they do it to piss off their employees. Trust me.
Watching a movie on the plane? No thanks. Watching my seatmate’s movie with no audio and not understanding what’s going on for over an hour? Yassss.
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
do you think my neighbors will mind if i make their outside xmas decorations look better