It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
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*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family