It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
You Might Also Like
sigh
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
THE AUDACITY. 😤
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
My current situation
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
had to make it
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!