It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
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Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
me: [explaining the scene in bone tomahawk where they split a guy in half]
therapist: I doubt your mailman wants to do that to you
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
Beware…..
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.