It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
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[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
This is why I don’t delete Facebook
mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.
Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.
11-year-old: I did.
Me: They’re still on the floor.
11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
Why do I have to work today? I worked yesterday! What more could you possibly want from me.
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane