Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*

Sigmund Freud: I fell over

Me: A Freudian slip?

Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass

Me: Is it a bit of a pane?

Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune

Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud

that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker

You’re so cultured I’mma start calling you Yogurt.

Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.

I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life

Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?

Always look both ways before crossing a woman.

Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE

Me: *opens door*

Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka

This may be the zombie bite talking, but “BRAINS.”

Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.

I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.

No weirdos.

Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head

My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?

Me: The what?

Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?

*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*

Me: Practice.

Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.

If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.

Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb

Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games

Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave

I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat

my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom

Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine

Judge: Still guilty.

left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird

I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.

Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.

Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.

Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.

Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.

At least, I think it went south.

What can I say? Your script is great. A cop in a supercharged patrol car fighting insane mutant gangs along limitless stretches of highway in a desolate, post-apocalyptic landscape. Fantastic. But the title, Annoyed Max. We need to punch that up

People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.