It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
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Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?
Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
Sometimes my cat sneezes and I’m like “Oh no. You’re allergic to cats.”
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.
This is so me 😂😂
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches