It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
You Might Also Like
All my small talk is done with a car horn.
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
bears
“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
the prophecies have been fulfilled
It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
Being a parent:
Hell hath no fury like your kid catching you throwing away Anything, Ever. I smuggle out broken crayons like a Mexican druglord ….
Hahahahahahahaah.
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.