It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
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[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
For 23 years, I’ve been taking the minutes for the monthly regional managers meeting. Nobody has ever asked to view them before, so since going wfh I’ve been using the meetings to do my online food shop instead. I’ve just been asked for the minutes from our January meeting.
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
ME: is he always this quiet
WIDOW: *sobs harder*
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
*power walks to the refrigerator*
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit
how are there low birth rates when everyone here is a big baby
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
Tried to make a friendly comment about how I liked my neighbor’s very autumnal outfit, but I swerved too hard into friendliness, soared past over-familiarity, and landed on the arguably hostile “well if it isn’t Mr. Fall”
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
When my cat gets in trouble I call him by his full name, Catthew.
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
LMFAOOOO
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog