It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
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This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
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“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
If you had more money you’d be happier.
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
I look after plant pots and hanging baskets for celebrities, which means I tend to shrub holders with the rich and famous.
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.