Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”

A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.

When the moon hits your eye
Like it’s 5:45,
That’s November

If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.

Once on Rosh Hashanah when I was 14 or 15, I took a red potato & cut it perfectly to look like an apple slice, dipped it in honey & then gave it to my little sister. She has still not forgiven me or forgotten.

Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down

I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.

Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.

Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?

The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.

When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like

Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal

Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal

all of the other names pharrell tried to become known by are so bad it’s almost impressive

*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*

These kids today have it made. When I was growing up and there was a natural disaster, we’d have to go outside and spread our misinformation in person.

*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*

Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.

Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!

*general murder sounds*

“soooo little update I’m kinda seeing someone..” — me to my psychiatrist about the tall shadowy figure in a bowler hat in the corner of my room

Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.

Husband: It just happened.

Me: But it was in the past.

Husband: It was five minutes ago.

Me: In. The. Past.

ㅤ

Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.

[at work party]

Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?

Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.

Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!

7yo: I’m Coach Tommy

Coach: No wait…

Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!

*the whole team cheers*

Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.

skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute

me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me

My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.

Raisins, she wants raisins.

I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.

ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,

ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?

Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.

I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.

*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother

This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.

*sees any 3 stars in a row*

(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”