It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
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detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly
At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing
HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing
CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar
HAN: why do you need a business loan
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
Today, I changed a light bulb, crossed the road, and walked into a bar.
My life is a joke.
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
I was up all night reading about insomnia
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
‘I know a black person’
– White people
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5
The problem with parental controls is I need my kid to help me figure out how to set them up
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.
Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?
A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
