Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor

Airport security:…

Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.

Her: I went line dancing last night..
Me: It was roadside sobriety check karen

What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?

One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.

Shout out to the lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo

Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.

I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?

That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.

Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?

Me: holy shit how bad is it?!

I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.

I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.

My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary

I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.

The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.

of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten

*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*

“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”

Shoutout to coughing on the bus. Haven’t tried it myself but seems really popular

“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”

Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.

Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?

Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.

Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.

Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”

so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july

All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child

Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.

What a rip off.

There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.

Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.

Neighbor: Nice. I got-

Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything

Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?