It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
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I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
Goat cheese is for herders.
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van
My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.