It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
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If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
Having an indoor/outdoor female cat that isn’t spayed is like having a free refill for kittens.
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
When god closes a door my 10yr old opens 15 kitchen cupboards and walks away.
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time