it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
You Might Also Like
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready
Currently experiencing the worst thing that can happen to a person (folding laundry)
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
me: *responds maybe to a fb event*
wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY
My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
Child Me: Dad, can I (do a truly stupid thing)
My Dad: No!
Child Me: Whatever, Dad! I hope I’m not that lame when I grow up
Years Later
My Kid: Dad, can I (do the exact same stupid thing)
My Brain: prepare to become “that lame”
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah
I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team