it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
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*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
I am yelling
that’s not arthritis. It’s early onset rigamortus.
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
What flavor cupcake are these
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
If you innocently act like you don’t know, people will explain dirty words to you and it’s hilarious.
#TopTip
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
surely THIS is the open bar where i will finally learn restraint
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?
what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
Hear me out: his and hers houses.