It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
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Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays
It will be called Side Chick.
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
Chaining myself to the bed tonight, not because I’m a werewolf, but because there are bags of unattended Halloween candy all over the house.
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
i am not “quiet quitting” i am suffering from third-degree burnout
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter
Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”