It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
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It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*
5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
My license has hair and eye color listed as “BRO” and I’m like… 😎 I know right.
I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
Kid #1: “I’m scared of monsters.”
*spend 45 minutes hugging & comforting child*
Kid #6:”I’m scared of monsters.”
Me: “Eh, the cat’ll get them. G’night!”
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
Made something I’m not proud of
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice