Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonka

what scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka

ME: sorry for the hold-up

TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?

ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian

You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.

My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me

My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye

Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda

[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.

[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]

Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*

Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.

Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.

80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful

“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”

Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind

disney ceo: live action little mermaid

animator: yep

ceo: it’s in the ocean

animator: got it

ceo: coral reefs

animator: understood

ceo: lots of fish

animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?

All of my best ideas involve jail time.

when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway

me: oh my god!!! i just had the most amazing nap.

doctor: you were just under general anesthesia.

me: when can i go again?

From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”

tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure

The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.

Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.

Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.

Liquor Store Parking

*smashes car through your living room*

Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?

Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”

Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!

10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.

Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]

My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?

Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?

At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.

in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.

Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?

Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage