It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
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“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?
My Boss: This is inappropriate
Me: Your skin is so…
My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.