It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
You Might Also Like
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.
I shut down my rodent removal business. No more Mr. Mice Guy.
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..