Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*

Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.

me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?

him: no, cash only

gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky

me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata

I adopted a rock.

He just sits there and does nothing all day.

It still beats raising Kylo.

[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]

ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor

CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this

Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”

Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.

So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.

Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.

People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing

Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information

Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.

wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”

[in the world of chess]

kings: here’s a sword

bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight

How do you know you been on your phone too much?

Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!

If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union

I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators

Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.

Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.

This trial is so absurd 😭

I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me

This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.

[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”

Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious

The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.

ghost: boooooOoo

me: you better stop

ghost: what are you doing

me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother

ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo

Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:

[First day as a beaver]

Me: Dam.

The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.