It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
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Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
My 3y/o is the only girl at her small daycare. I was thrilled when she started talking about her new friend Piper and how much they loved to play. Every day for months: Piper this, Piper that.
Finally I asked the daycare lady about maybe scheduling a playdate.
Piper is a cat.
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
honey, bring out the fine china.
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.