It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
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I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
She was rare, like a goth jogging
I thinking about becoming a cop. Well, not really a cop but a quirky outsider like on TV who shows up at crime scenes and points out all the clues that experienced detectives missed
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
[Arthur’s Court]
SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table
SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still
SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.