Do Twitter your way. But don’t mention spiders. Or clowns. Or moist. Or moist clown spiders.
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
You Might Also Like
A general tweet to those who attack me but I miss because they’re blocked:
I’m totally gutted. Well done. You’re fierce! You got me GOOD.
Co-worker: Did you see that play in the Super Bowl? Worst decision ever.
Me: Really? Aren’t you married?
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
Wife: *breathy whisper* Do you want to take my shirt off?
Me: *breathy whisper* I’m not wearing your shirt
BEN AFFLECK: I’m directing a new movie and I was thinking about you for the lead role
BEN AFFLECK: Well I’m obviously very flattered
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”