It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
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My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
[David Attenborough watching me pour syrup on my waffles before I put them in the toaster] Turn the camera off this man needs help
Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
I identify as an antique shop.
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice