@KevinFarzad

It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.

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@QueenofSparta

Do Twitter your way. But don’t mention spiders. Or clowns. Or moist. Or moist clown spiders.

@ShoutingGoddess

A general tweet to those who attack me but I miss because they’re blocked:

I’m totally gutted. Well done. You’re fierce! You got me GOOD.

@theshamingofjay

Co-worker: Did you see that play in the Super Bowl? Worst decision ever.

Me: Really? Aren’t you married?

@leapeajo

*middle of a 6 hour road trip,

One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”

@Mr_Kapowski

[kissing]

Wife: *breathy whisper* Do you want to take my shirt off?

Me: *breathy whisper* I’m not wearing your shirt

@ElleOhHell

BEN AFFLECK: I’m directing a new movie and I was thinking about you for the lead role
BEN AFFLECK: Well I’m obviously very flattered

@BYGH

My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.

@platinum2000

*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home

@JennyJohnsonHi5

Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”