Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”

Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.

Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing

Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys

TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!

me: my car makes a funny noise

mechanic: that’s the horn

Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.

M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.

Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.

M: Yes, yes it is.

I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.

Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.

me: there’s a fly in my soup

waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once

me: no, just the one is enough

I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.

Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.

Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?

Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!

Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife

according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working

How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent

Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands

Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think

Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.

I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.

FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised

[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”

“You have 999 new matches”

Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.

6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.

Today’s homeschooling Google searches:

Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine

[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]

Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that

If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.

Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.

Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?

11: Just pull up and act cool.

Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.

11: Daddy …

Me: Got it. Just be me.

11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!

Me: How many would be the equivalent?

Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-

Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?

My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.

Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose

Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger

YI:

Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite