It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
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What happens when a hippie marries a mime? Peace and quiet.
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
My chess strategy is eating one of your pieces every time you look away.
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.