Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.

Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”

One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos

I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.

After our fifth kid, I had a vasectomy but it didn’t work. I’m still a father.

SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide

ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did

Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life

Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours

Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it

Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.

I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.

My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.

me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?

techician: sure..I’ll take a look

[later, ]

technician: it’s not too bad..

me: thank god..what is it?

technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders

me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?

doctor: i have your blood test here
 
me: and?
 
doctor: you failed

Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.

ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?

THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure

“What do you know about atoms?”

“Very little.”

“Besides that.”

Her: pull my hair!

Edward Scissorhands: oops

Her: why oops?

If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.

MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.

Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame

migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field

if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?

Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.

flash mobs for serving divorce papers

“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis

Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.

I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit

Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.

I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.