It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
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I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
Using advanced AI technology, Blast Zone has been able to predict what Young Sheldon, from the TV show Young Sheldon, will look like as an adult
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.